Bikers, Vapors and the What-if’s:Unexpected Beauty

Thankful for:

  • BBQ chips
  • Dance class outside with kids
  • A friendly coworker who came to say hi.
  • The sun
  • Rhema
  • On Friday, a couple of friends dropped of a couple of flowers with a quick hello. I can’t wait for fucking COVID to be fucking over. I miss my friends but that moment was so bucket-filling. My cats eventually destroyed the flowers and puked up stems along with a furrball but the floral was nice while it lasted.
  • Sorry/not sorry to any of my readers who are sensitive to my swearing but my high school creative writing teacher said that we were allowed to swear in our writing if we had a good reason to. COVID is a good reason to swear. Even my gardening-crafting- quilting-DIY- aunt knitted a wash cloth that read ‘FUCK 2020.’ If she’s swearing than you know it’s bad. Also, did you know that swearing will apparently help you manage pain? I forget the statistic but I guess swearing helps. Some author wrote a story about how she fell down a mountain or something and broke a leg or something… I don’t remember but she recalled that swearing was one of the best pain relievers while climbing down and listed all these statistics. I swore a lot last week and can attest that, yes, it helps and builds resiliency. I’m thankful for swearing.
  • Today the vice principal hosted a school-wide Kahoot full of baby staff pictures to have the kids match the baby pic with the staff member. A Kahoot is this virtual educational tool that allows you to test knowledge. In order to sign in, the host shares a pin number that the players put in on their website. The teachers were the supposed to be the only ones joining the Kahoot and taking answers on behalf of their class. We had specific instructions to use our last names and the grade level but the middle year kids kept signing in under names like “Lebron James” and “Hi.” After a gentle chastisement, we had to stop the Kahoot and start a new game. They kept coming back, pretending to be teachers but in their own kid-style that got them found out. We watched the vice-principal click them all out of the game and then lock them out before we began. I’m thankful because I had a mask on so that the kids couldn’t see me laughing because it was very funny but I had to be an adult. Then their teacher came back in the room to check on the kids and see if it was them. He also had his mask on but I think he was low-key laughing.
  • Today I watched the grade 6/7’s overthink a colouring activity on the elements of art for an hour and fifteen minutes. As painful as that was, I also heard a conversation of two students where one said, “What if after you die, you go to whereever you go to and they ask you, ‘How was that?’ Like right after you die.” And both of the kids just stared at each other, wide-eyed and kind of laughed uncertain if it was actually funny or if they were entirely creeped out by themselves and the morbid thought they just had. A couple of months ago, I heard one of the grade 5/6’s ask her friend, “What if a deaf person saw you yawn but actually thought you were screaming?” I’ve never thought of either of those things before but they made me laugh.
  • Right now, as I write this, a whole parade of motorcyclists are lining up on my street to honour one of my neighbours. I want to say it was a birthday parade, but I don’t actually know. Just a bunch of white dudes and chicks with badass leather jackets who came to honour one of my East Indian neighbours. The guy they were honouring stood by his motorcycle with his helmet on and stared back and forth along our street of all the bikers who were there to support him. I don’t think he said anything. His whole family was sitting on the porch clasping their hands close to their heart. One of their bikers came closer to the porch said something. The family nodded. I don’t know what happened but gifts were dropped off, vapes were vaped and the neighbourhood just got cooler. Funny thing is, I decided to write this thankful list because I was so cranky and had a bad attitude. Knew I needed to do something different. Wrote this list which helped immensely. Then this moment happened with the bikers. This was the BEST part of my day so far. I don’t know what it was but it was beautiful and reminded me that there are kind people out there.
  • I’m thankful for a job. I’m thankful for kids. I’m thankful for art. Not many people are able to make a career out of making art these days but I am allowed to. I get to be creative for a living.
  • Full disclosure. I would make an awful legal assistant. I can’t organize to save my fucking life (that swear was a little gratuitious but I’m keeping it) and I don’t understand technology (like, one of the grade seven’s had to help me fix my Zoom name for the school-wide Kahoot today and let’s not even talk about how many times I’ve had to ask the kids for help to set up the speakers…)Online learning taught me this. Sitting at a desk, staring at a computer, organizing digital stuff into digital folders, scheduling, etc. is NOT my strength. I learned that I will not make a good legal assistant. I do think it’s SO interesting and I love learning about justice and law SO much. Maybe with the proper training, I could but I feel like I’d cause more headaches for a lawyer than ease them. So I’m thankful I found out/realized this now.

Into the Unkn–

THANKFUL

  • For God’s ability to resolve 5 conflicts in less than 48 hours. They ended positively in spite of all my my flaws and failures.
  • My cats do this thing where they leap on unsuspecting toys or each other and it’s so cute/hilarious. Makes me laugh every time.
  • For Stress Soother tea.
  • For great conversations with friends about Jesus and deep thoughts about the bible and what this means and that means.
  • For reconciliations and iron-sharpens-iron conversations with other friends.
  • For a great life coach session. For help to see where I’m getting stuck and on what. For reminders of God’s goodness.
  • I found out that I can have a standing desk if I just put my laptop on my counter. Sounds dumb and obvious but also so helpful. I can stretch my legs now.
  • For a lovely conversation with Wendi Park from Careportal. There’s more to be said about this conversation but something is brewing. I don’t know how all the puzzle pieces are going to fit together but something is starting to form.

WHAT I KNOW

  • I think about mountains everyday. Wake up. Think about mountains. Go to sleep. Think about mountains. Look at a picture with people in it. People who? All I see are mountains. I want to climb a mountain and not just a metaphorical one. I want to climb a real mountain with my legs only (not my arms. I like my arms the way they are. WEAK but SOFT). I want to do it multiple times, regularly. Where I wake up and instead of thinking about mountains, I’m on/near one. Wake up and climb. I. want. to. climb. a. mountain.
  • I love to teach. A lot. Any time I try to run away from it, I always come back.
  • I love foster kids. Very, very much. And if I can’t be a mom right now, then I want to find another way to connect with the kids.
  • I have a sliver of an idea that fits two of my passions together and could possibly fill a need. The idea needs research but as I said before, something is brewing.
  • I am a two-time university drop-out, who was mercy passed through logic, music history class and I think even psychology. I know that I struggle with time management, organization, details and forget things often. I’m impulsive, emotional and I get frustrated often. What takes one teacher 2 minutes to do, it takes me much, much longer. But I also know that God is with me and He has smoothed out a lot of things that I couldn’t on my own. He helps me get stuff done and endure difficult situations. This year has taught me a lot but mostly, that I can be a very weak person and God can still use me to help someone. God can handle my mess and make something beautiful out of it. He can put broken things back together again. And if He leads me to do something that’s utterly impossible in my mind, He will find a way to make it possible. I don’t know everything or where He’s leading me entirely but I do believe it’s somewhere good.

A Fork in the Road

I don’t know about you, dear reader, but I’ve been terribly restless. I can’t tell if it’s just the pandemic, or if there’s something to it and God is pointing me somewhere else. The ongoing debate with myself is about the only consistent thing in my life.

Am I just in a slump? Am I depressed? Imposter syndrome, maybe? Are my acne meds making me this way? Is it something I ate? Do I need to go for a walk? Perhaps I have cabin fever? Am I chasing something that won’t satisfy? Maybe gardening will help?

It’s helping a little.

Am I getting distracted from what God is calling me to? Am I giving up and running away? Am I being completely selfish? Are my eyes not on the Lord? Am I withholding something from Him? Is there something I need to repent of? Let’s find out [insert a lot of confessing and repenting here]. Well, I feel peace with the Lord but very little peace about anything else.

Perhaps if I do something nice for someone else, the feeling will go away?

Did the thing, felt the feeling.

Well, that was nice but very fleeting.

Am I placing my hope in something else, Jesus? Maybe I am just depressed. Maybe there’s an imbalance here. Is it my hormones? Let’s see how I feel after I get my period. Usually I feel better. Um, a little… I guess. Am I finding my salvation in works again? I’ve been reading my bible, praying and seeking advice from others, am I not on the right track? Am I unsatisfied with their answers? Do I prefer to listen to myself?

Or is this a genuine pull to something new? Toronto wasn’t perfect and I definitely struggled there but I wasn’t trapped. Why do I feel so free when I leave Regina? Even if it’s only just 10 minutes outside the city? Why do the knots in my stomach relax and the heavy feelings lift when my wheels hit the pavement? Why do they come back again as I drive into the city ? No other city makes me feel this way. I struggle in other cities for sure but I feel the heaviness of Regina every time I return. When I was on my way home in August 2018 from Toronto, I remember, dreading it just as much as I do now. I told myself that I was going to come to Regina to complete my degree and then I was going to move on. Maybe the Holy Spirit is holding me accountable to that? Maybe I’ve stayed longer than I should’ve? I know the Holy Spirit leads us to all Truth, but does He also act like a stone in our shoe who grinds on us until we pause and readjust? Is that what’s going on? Have I gotten too comfortable? Is it time to take the leap of faith and just do it? Is that the Holy Spirit? Am I just scared and full of doubt? Or am I completely insane and in need of more therapy than I’m already in?

Whatever it is, I can’t seem to find much relief. If it is just a low, then I pray God will relieve it with His comfort, not with the comfort of this world or things. If He wants me to stay in Regina, then I need His perseverance to do so. If not, and He’s actually trying to get me to move, then I need Him to point me in the right direction and give me a big dose of His courage to take the step of faith. To not be afraid or discouraged and move forward with hopeful anticipation.

Anything I

I would like to begin today’s blog post by saying I have nothing important to say. I just feel like writing and being thankful.

  1. Being single is literally the bomb. Why get a boyfriend who wants to Netflix and Chill when you can have a rave with your cats, laugh at memes, and google important questions about poop or investing or whatever question you don’t feel comfortable saying outloud?? You probably could do it with a boyfriend but let’s just honour this moment for what it was — AWESOME. It was so awesome.
  2. In addition to #1 and the perks of being single — I woke up this morning and stayed in my pajamas till 2:30pm where I did some reading, talked with friends over the phone and hung out with my cats. Finally showered at, like 3pm (?), then went shopping for new jeans and a stronger moisturizer, ran into an person I hadn’t seen in years, went for a walk, soaked up the sun, made a salad and now I’m writing. Could I do that with a boyfriend? Possibly. But it’s just not the same as when you’re doing it completely by yourself and liking it. I’m so very thankful for moments like this. Being single frees up my time, my energy and my focus. There’s SO MUCH I can do! Like, hang out with friends, meet new people, go to work, travel, buy things with my own money, eat what I want when I want, pee with the door open, decorate if I want in the way I want, have the thermostat at a liveable temperature, keep my cats and not have to worry if the guy is allergic. Stuff like that. It’s easy to think that my life begins when I get married, but that’s dumb. There are so many opportunities and ways to keep myself busy that give me far more contentment than waiting for some guy to show up. Days like today remind me why singleness is the real deal and I want to write it down so I remind when I forget or get distracted.
  3. Last week, I had all these worries running through my head but God has taken care of them ALL. He has worked in all of these situations, answering prayers, tying up loose ends and bringing peace where there was none.
  4. My dermatologist stopped taking more clients just before I got my referral. She’s been a huge help in finding solutions and prescribing meds that work better than what I was doing on my own (and I was trying everything). I’m grateful because I’m able to afford the solutions she’s prescribed and they work! The acne gel she prescribed kills a cyst faster than anything I’ve ever seen. Like 24-48 hours fast which may not seem like a big deal to you but when it usually takes between a week to three months before healing occurs, this is major progress. Who knows what will happen in the future but I’m grateful for the care, guidance and medicinal support I have now. It makes a huge difference.
  5. My thankful lists are very priveleged. I’m thankful for moments that remind me what I do have that I take fore granted. Things like: food, water, a place to live, things to sit and sleep on, and a job. The family I grew up in. The sacrifices my parents made to ensure I grew up healthy, safe and sheltered me enough that I got to enjoy my childhood. I’m blessed beyond anything I deserve.

Tyler? And Other Notable Moments of Thankfulness

I have lots to update you on but today, I’ll just focus on my thankful list!

  1. My cats are gaining weight. This is good news because a) they are too skinny, and b) I love fat cats.
  2. I’m onto the second module of my legal assistant course about litigation. It’s really interesting! I don’t know why I never took law in high school. I should’ve. I took Social Studies instead because the teacher was known for being extremely relaxed and I wanted an easy credit. We watched a loooooooot of war movies. To be fair, I was and still am completely okay with the amount of movies we watched. Then I had social studies with a different teacher who was much harder and — this is awful, I’m not proud of this — but it was the only class I’ve ever cheated on a test in. It was about the French Revolution. My friend, Amanda (who is now a pharmacist), passed me a note with an answer on it. I don’t even think it was a helpful answer but if I were teaching that class, and I caught myself cheating, I would’ve docked myself marks (because that’s what I do now). To this day, I still don’t know what happened in the French Revolution. Even tried to watch a t.v. show about it on Netflix but it totally didn’t help because it was about zombies. So I guess I’ll never know. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is I really wish I took law or Indigenous Studies or something. I could’ve gotten some useful information out of that. But even though I didn’t, I’m thankful because the teacher in my legal assistant course starts from the very beginning and explains how the provincial courts work and it’s REALLY helpful.
  3. I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m going to do with this blog and what my next steps will be after my teaching contract is done this year. I’ve been praying for some direction from the Lord on where to go, what to do and how to get rolling. And I think He’s given me a bit of a plan… I need to talk to some more people to hear their thoughts and pray about it some more before I share it with you but I really do think something new is on it’s way. If I’m on to something and God is leading me into something new, then I’m really grateful. Scared but grateful and looking forward to what He’s going to do.
  4. Also, I asked the Lord for advice on a couple of difficult situations. Do I say something? Do I let it go? And He led me to the perfect passage in the bible! I don’t have the energy to write about it all right now but I’m thankful that He gave me permission to let it go and pass right through 🙂
  5. Long story short — I think I’m being pranked by a guy named Tyler (???) This is what I know: a) He likes pickles; b) He’s witty; c) He’s not my dad; d) He describes himself as a 90 year old man but he doesn’t sound like a 90 year old man; e) He does dishes; f) He uses semi-colons properly in text messages; g) If you text him punctuation, like, just a period, he responds with more punctuation; h) He’s not one of my students; i) He’s like a bookeeper for old people but not really… or something??? I don’t really get it; k)He’s new to theology. Wants to become Greek Orthodox. I’m trying to talk him into the Reformation. No response on that one yet; j) Likes philosophy, theology, and is in a heavy metal band but they aren’t very good (his words, not mine); k) He has a really strong Canadian accent; l) At this point, he hasn’t requested pictures or money; m) Wants to know if I’m happy in life. Am I where I want to be?… … Is it weird to be thankful for a mystery? At first I was really stressed out about the whole thing and asked one of my principals to run these numbers to make sure it wasn’t a student or a parent (it wasn’t). It took me awhile but I think I’m piecing it together now. If I’m right (it’s highly possible I’m wrong), then I’m thankful for this mystery. If I’m wrong, then I’m thankful for the laughs he brought me.
  6. I’ve slept so well on this break. I mean, I had a couple of nightmares but fell right back to sleep again and napped a couple times in the afternoon. I’m thankful for rest.
  7. I’m thankful for days where I don’t have to wear a mask.
  8. I’m thankful for ways to stay busy while working from home.
  9. I’m thankful for Epsom salts.
  10. I’m thankful for male pharmacists that you can ask embarrassing questions about your vagina. I was nervous about talking with a dude about it but he was like, it’s fine. I told him what was happening and he gave me some good advice. He knows more about my vagina then I do! I’m so thankful for knowledgable pharmacists!

Scattered Blessings

Things I’m thankful for:

I realized a couple days after I posted my last list that I misused the word ‘palpable.’ (Ei. “… toning down ‘The Jesus’ to be more palpable to others…”) I meant to say, “palatable” but the mistake made me laugh. I was trying so hard to be smart and articulate! So much for that!

I have good principals and vice principals who have mentored me through some difficult situations. Those situations aren’t over yet but I’m grateful for the admin’s support and mentorship. They have modeled humility, character and self-discipline in situations that should/would/could bring out the worst in others. It’s rare in my world to find this kind of maturity and I appreciate it so much when I find it.

My church has started to support a ministry called, Careportal, which links churches with families, especially kids in foster care. It allows us to help fill needs and offer support. I’m so grateful that I get to be apart of it and help get it rolling. It’s still new in Regina but I’m praying there will be more opportunities soon.

I put on makeup today because we’re doing virtual learning and I don’t have to wear a mask. At first, I thought I looked okay and more like “myself.” But after awhile I thought I looked yellow and gross. So I washed it all off, moisturized and felt better. I’ve still got scarring and redness. When I washed everything off today, I felt so much better. Which is, like, whoa. I never say that. Sometimes I put on a bit of concealer or powder to help with the acne scars and redness but not as often or as much as I used to. This is the first time I’ve been able to say I prefer myself with less makeup. I’m grateful for that moment.

Healing skin. Healing heart.

I finished the book of Numbers in the bible. Here are my takeaways:

God appreciates accountants and financial advisors. I do, too. Especially around tax time.

King Og refuses to let Moses and the Israelites pass through their territory, even though Moses told them they wouldn’t take anything or stop for water. They just need to get through the territory to get to the Promised Land. But King Og refused and attacked the Israelites when they least expected it. But the Israelites fought back against their enemies and won. They occupied the land for awhile before moving on (Numbers 21:24). They continued to overcome and conquer each of the cities. King Og wasn’t about to give up and tried to attack them again. The Lord told Moses to not be afraid. He basically gave Moses the permission to fight. This means something to me because I often crumple in the face of opposition or intimidation. But God doesn’t allow the Israelites to cower. He tells them to face it and He will give them victory. That gave me a lot of courage.

In Numbers 22-24, there’s whole other storyline that takes place where the King of Moab is intimidated by the Israelites and decides the best way to fight back is to hire Balaam to curse his enemies (which is totally true of human nature. If people think they can’t win against you, they will tear down your reputation with gossip and slander. You don’t need a prophet to do damage like that. We’re all capable of it). The Israelites and Moses don’t have a talking part. It’s sort of like another version of events but from the enemies point of view. Which is so unique and bizarre. Why have the enemies version of events in a story about God and His people? I’m still trying to figure out how Balaam, a prophet, got involved with the enemies in the first place. I don’t think he’s an Israelite but maybe he belongs to one of the 12 tribes… I don’t know. Probably over thinking it but the story is so different and out of the blue! Anyway, throughout the story, you see God working behind the scenes in the narrative of the Israelites’ enemies. How He protects them and positions the right people at the right time to bless His people rather than curse. Balaam describes God as this wild ox fighting for His people. It’s one of my favourite descriptions of God. Wild. Territorial. Bad-ass. It’s hard to imagine He’s these things when you’re in the heat of a difficult situation but reading a story like this helps me walk by faith and not by sight.

When the Israelites finally get to the Promised Land, God establishes a couple places called Cities of Refuge. It’s mostly for refugees or foreigners who are living in the Promised Land permanently or temporarily. In addition to this, it’s also a place where people who accidentally kill someone can go if they need to get away from the relative who wants revenge for the death of their family member. You can stay there till the High Priest dies and then you can go back to your home city. Which is kind of weird. Wouldn’t you want to wait till the person who wants revenge dies? That seems more logical. I’ll have to research that and figure out why. Anyway, I love this passage about God’s law because even in situations where errors are made, God commands that the public rule in favour of the person who made the mistake. Not the one who wants revenge. I was so encouraged by that because I make mistakes all the time. God is still merciful and protects people who make mistakes.

I’m so grateful for what I have right now. To have food in my belly. To have an apartment. To have running water. To have electricity and heat. To have a family. To have technology. To have books. To have windows where the sun can come in. To have clean drinking water… There’s so much to be thankful for. At any point, I could lose it. Satan could throw me back into poverty and God, in spite of all His powerfulness, could let it happen. If that day comes sooner rather than later, I’d like to be able to say that I didn’t take all that I have now for granted. My earnest prayer is that I’ll be able to say that Jesus is enough for me and I trust Him even through this. I don’t know how I’ll be able to say it yet truthfully yet but will continue to pray for that kind of courage and faith.

A friend suggested (without realizing it) a new name for my blog. I need to think about it but like the possibilities. More on that later 😉

That Kill Spirit: What I’m Learning in the Bible

As you may or may not know, I’m a Christian and I write about what I’m learning on here. I’m not as consistent in it as I could be and part of it is because every time I do, something bad happens. So it’s like I have to brace myself every time I talk about my faith because a wave of Bad Things is surely on its way. Which is a totally pessimistic thing to say but very true.

But here I am again, writing about my faith and I’m not entirely sure why. Perhaps it’s because I’ve tried to tone down “the Jesus” to make myself more palpable to people around me but it doesn’t really matter. Whether I talk about my faith or not, someone always has something to criticize. So I might as well just be myself. Plus, I’m really craving some thing I can hold onto. Theories or books about Christian living are nice but they don’t compare to the real thing. I feel much more satisfied after some time reading the bible. Is that dumb? Maybe. Will people make fun of me for it? Probably. But it is what it is and we each have a quirk. The Lord is mine.

Here’s what I’m learning:

  1. I think one of the reasons John (as in the writer of the gospel of John) refers to himself in third person, specifically “the beloved disciple” is because he genuinely believes he’s loved. He’s not saying the other disciples aren’t loved. He’s just so firm in his identity of love that he can’t really separate himself from that reality. He sees himself the way Jesus does. For example, have you ever had a friend who just got a boyfriend or girlfriend and they can’t stop talking about that person? And you’re just like, PLEASE STOP. WE GET IT. YOU’RE IN LOVE. SOMEBODY LOVES YOU. YOU’RE A CUT ABOVE THE REST OF US EARTHLINGS. YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAY IT EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. But you don’t actually say that to their face, you just keep it to yourself and remind yourself to check your attitude… Have you ever had that happen? I think John is like that. He sounds cocky and annoying and selfish but he’s none of those things. He’s just in love. It’s an incredibly personal kind of love. When you’re in love, you want to tell everybody. You don’t care how you sound. You don’t care if you look silly. You don’t even care what other people think about because… why? You’re loved and that’s all that matters. John leads by example there, perhaps without even meaning to. He’s just himself.
  2. On the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus talks about the beautitudes. In the translation I use, the Good News Translation, (people poo-poo on it but it was given to me by my cousin who helped me get on track in my faith so it feels like home. Anyway…), Jesus says two things that fascinate me. In Matthew 5:6, He says, “Happy are those whose greatest DESIRE is to do what God requires (a.k.a. whatever is right or just) ; God will satisfy them.” . Then later, He says, “Happy are those who are persecuted because they DO what God requires; the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to them!” I guess I learned that God honours both the desire to do what is right and the actual doing of it! It doesn’t matter if someone’s ahead of you in this journey or if another person is just getting started. Jesus doesn’t see it that way. It’s all progress.
  3. To go along with the beautitudes, we are blessed when we mourn because that means we had a loving relationship. We loved and someone loved us. And isn’t being loved something to be happy about? 🙂

I could write more but it’s getting late and need to go to bed so I’m ready for whatever hits me in the face tomorrow…

That was a little negative and it reminded me of one more thing I wanted to write down.

Awhile back I watched a documentary called “20 Feet From Stardom” all about background singers of rock bands and Motown. In one of the interviews, Darlene Love was talking about this “kill spirit.” How you gotta have that “kill spirit” to make it in that business. That drive, determination and perseverance to make it. She was referring to making it as a solo singer, rather than a back up. I see the kill spirit a little differently. She still is driven, determined and perseveres but she looks a lot like the woman the writer writes about in Proverbs 31. She’s practical, creative, financially responsible, entreprenuerial, extremely independent, but still loves her husband and lets him know it, loves her family, is optimistic about the future, almost laughs at challenges that come her way because she trusts the God that will get her through them. She’s totally fearless about the future. She’s got that kill spirit.

I need some of whatever she’s got.

Bucket Fillers: A Thankful List

  1. I’m thankful it’s the first day of spring. Even if it’s cloudy and windy. I like spring more than any other season because it’s new and fresh. People come out from their apartments and their houses, squinting at the sun. In no time, we’re all a little giddy from all the vitamin D. Maybe everything is muddy and gross but I don’t care. The snow is melting and it’s a new start.
  2. I spent the afternoon on a deck with an old friend and her family. We hadn’t seen eachother in years and we picked up right where we left off. You’d think we just saw each other last week. I love friendships like that. It was a perfect pick-me-up.
  3. I’m thankful for a job. Who know’s if I’ll survive this year. Maybe I’ll die or maybe I’ll fail or maybe my employer won’t hire me back but I’m going to keep trying and doing the best I can. I’m grateful for something to do and an income.
  4. I’m thankful for this little kiddo who gave me a hug (physical distancing is extrememly difficult to navigate with little people). I’m literally the worst at comforting people who are crying and was in such a cranky mood that day so I was surprised when she came for a hug. She drew a picture of her and I going for a walk and then put BOB’s name on the pic. I asked her who that was. She laughed and said, I dunno. It didn’t make sense but I thought it was kind of funny, too. All the chaos of the day, week, year was all worth it after a hug from this kid who may have needed it more than me.
  5. I’m thankful all my physical needs are met. I have everything I need and way, way more.
  6. Last night, some friends and I played Sporcle online. It was a nice way to end the week.
  7. Today, I texted a friend I haven’t seen in awhile to say hi. She told me some great news. She and her husband were reconciled! Even though things aren’t perfect, they are healing together. She’s got a much better job and is in a better situation than before. I love stories about reconciliation and restoration. They give me the warm fuzzies.
  8. Maybe I’m not loved by everyone but I’m thankful for the ones that do. When I count the people who care for me, regardless of how big or small the number is, the people who love me mean more than the people who don’t. Maybe one day, all those people will hate me, too, but for now they don’t and I’m grateful for that.
  9. I started dreaming again today. Maybe I’ll achieve my dreams or maybe I won’t but I’m grateful to remember what it feels like to dream.
  10. I’m grateful to be single. Sometimes it’s lonely but then I spend some time with people and feel much better. Maybe one day, I’ll fall in love again but even if I don’t, I know I’ll be okay. If anyone was made to be single it would be me. Like, sometimes I wonder if I’m a little on the spectrum because of how much I love to spend time alone. It’s my favourite thing. Over a month ago, I went to a marriage conference to see what marriage was really like and the problems people face. It’s beautiful in many ways but it’s also really hard. I left that conference half-wanting to be married and half-grateful that I’m not. Being single isn’t the worst thing in the world. It can actually be quite nice and at this moment, I’m grateful for this time. Maybe tomorrow I won’t be but today I am so I’m going to soak it up.

Thankful List of Overcoming

Haven’t made a thankful list in awhile. I’m colouring my hair and have a couple minutes before I wash it out. Here’s a little list of things I’m thankful for:

  • We’re over halfway through the school year. It has been challenging in so many ways but we’re almost there. Almost at the summit. Still got a ways to go but I’m so grateful to have made it this far. God has been looking out for me in so many ways. I don’t think I’d get very far without Him… I’m so, so, so grateful for this and for Him.
  • I began a legal assistant course last year. It has three modules: conveyancing, criminal and civil. I finished conveyancing at the end of February and got 80% on the exam! This is a big deal because I started and stopped so many times. Couldn’t tell if I was doing the course because I had a crush on a lawyer or because I was bored or wanted to run away from being a teacher or because I have a genuine goal in mind. I think it was all of them. I got distracted and discouraged. I was dreading studying for it because I didn’t think I could. I talked myself out of it before I even gave it try! Same thing with audio transcription. I tried to do it for an internship I had with a film company and got so discouraged because I couldn’t keep up. But this audio transcription is so much slower and easier to understand! I still have a lot to go on the course but I’m getting there. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get it all done before next year!!
  • Supper with my dad. Movies with him too. We watched New High, a doc about addicts who climb Mt. Rainier as apart of their treatment. It’s through this place called Urban Gospel Mission in Seattle. It was so inspiring and well done. I mean, I thought so at least.
  • Dad found one of my mom’s necklaces and gave it to me. It’s a beaded thing. We’re not Indigenous so I don’t know where Mom got it from but it’s so pretty.
  • I had some really challenging things happen a while back and Jesus got me through it. It was humbling. Teaching is very humbling. But I’m grateful because I’m still standing and still here.

I need to wash my hair now. Good night!